Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
