Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
