My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
