if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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