Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
