Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
You smell like a Billy Joel song
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
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