I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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