The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
