you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
