Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
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