tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Randomize
