So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
