Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
