Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
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