You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Randomize