What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
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