Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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