I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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