I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
