I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
