You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
Randomize
