Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Randomize
