I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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