i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Randomize
