How'd it feel making her break her religion?
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
