in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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