Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
