kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
