So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Randomize
