Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
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