I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
