He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Randomize
