I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Randomize
