my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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