How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
