I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
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