so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
