I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize