I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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