I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
Randomize
