woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
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