Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
