she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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