i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
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