Have fun with your cool freestyling girlfriend!
She can rap better than you any day
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
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