I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
