better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
