I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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