You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
