and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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