So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
