So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Randomize
