I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
I touched a dick in church today
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
I think I just sharted jello shots
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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