She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
