i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
