i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
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