did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
