You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Randomize
