I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
