Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
