Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize