Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
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