The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
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